When it's OK to lie in a relationship
By Casey Gueren : Fox
Honesty may not be the best policy when it
comes to relationships.
Couples lie to each other an average of
three times a week, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, according to a
recent study soon to be published in the journal Communication Quarterly.
Researchers looked at how often people
expressed affection toward their partners even when they weren’t genuinely
feeling it—otherwise known as deceptive affection. This could be anything from
complimenting your guy’s haircut when you actually think it’s heinous to
kissing him goodbye even when you’re really pissed.
For the study, 57 participants (one person
per couple) between the ages of 18-27 kept a week-long diary.
“First we trained them on what is deceptive
affection. Every time this occurred with their romantic partner they were asked
to write down what they were actually feeling, what they expressed to their
partner, and why,” says lead study author Sean Horan, assistant professor in
the College of Communication at DePaul University.
The research showed that participants were
faking their feelings an average of three times per week, according to Horan
and study co-author Melanie Booth-Butterfield of West Virginia University.
So how bad is all this lying? Surprisingly,
it’s not so horrible for your bond. “Although it’s very common, the motives
behind it aren’t bad,” says Horan. “The most dominant motives were to avoid
conflict, negative feelings, and hurting your partner.”
For the most part, deception was used to
help maintain the relationships. And according to researchers, these little
white lies are pretty harmless. “We don’t always want to know the truth all the
time,” says Horan.
That said, if your motives include covering
up something major—like that you’re over the relationship or that you’ve been
cheating—you’re probably doing more harm than good.
“In any relationship, if you’re primarily
relying on deception then problems will likely result,” says Horan.
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